Total Divas Episode 6: Diva Las Vegas

Silicone Sheik up in your face for the 6^th episode of 

Total Divas and this week we’re dealing with dice, prostitutes and unparalleled amounts of sin – and then we’re going to Vegas.

The show starts off with Jo Jo asking Chris Jericho if Justin Gabriel is single. Chris Jericho starts singing the K I S S I N G song. That didn’t really happen but he does have a dreamy voice.

Eva Marie and Jo Jo walk off after Chris Jericho embarrasses Jo-Jo about her girlish crush.

Brie compliments herself on dating Daniel Bryan. Shots of setting up for RAW and backstage activities are shown. Jo Jo and Gabriel hitting it off as Jo Jo is on the rebound after that Sebastian guy that absolutely no one remembers – not even his mother.

Eva Marie shows her intelligence and beauty in an expose capped off by wearing tight jeans.

Jo Jo is going to take the leap and ask JG out on a date.

Next we’re at the NXT training facility working out with the Funkadactyls and the Bellas. Nattie decides to be the fifth wheel and enters the ring. Instead of practicing wrestling moves the girls decide to plan a bachelorette party.

The girls assure Nattie that no one is going to make out with her or put their private parts on her. I can pretty much testify to such a fact. Nattie tells the girls about her infidelities last week and absolutely no one believes there is another guy in this universe that would fawn over Nattie.

Trinity is the voice of reason and thinks Nattie should back off the lascivious nature. Nikki and Ariane practice some tantric wrestling moves and the girls lay on each other in the center of the ring.

Segue to Jo Jo preparing for her faux date with JG. Eva Marie is in the kitchen and I realize she would look fabulous in my kitchen. The Bellas show up and the party turns into some Gatsbyesque soirée.

Drunk pictures are shown of Brie. She acts embarrassed but this is the same girl who was chopping wood in a bikini and high heels a few weeks ago.

We find out that TJ is the only man Nattie has been with. Once again no one is surprised. The girls dance around awkwardly and Ariane makes fun of Nattie. Most of the guys sit around and try to not look totally uninterested. Jo Jo dates older men. Maybe she is ready to forego this JG business in favor of Classy Freddie Blassie.

Jo Jo and JG stalk off to make out in Eva’s room. This is the only action ever to happen in Eva Marie’s room as she is a total virgin princess.

Segment 2: Vegas Bound

Jo Jo and JG are now on their first date; even though they have already made out on a balcony. Kids these days are very chivalrous. Jo Jo talks about her pet rabbit and then offers to show JG a photo of the rabbit. He is totally wondering why he didn’t approach Eva Marie first.

Jo Jo takes her food home for her pet rabbit. JG goes through the Of Mice and Men dialogue. Everyone in the restaurant gives a standing ovation.

Next John Cena is informed that only TJ has plowed Nattie. John Cena doesn’t really care and says that Nattie must be happy. Nikki tries to cover her tracks and make Cena believe she is not a floozy. John Cena is forced to look at hand bags and shows. No dignified man should be subject to such malarkey.

Cut to: Ariane and Vincent are packing a suitcase. Vincent’s jealousy boils over as he decides to invite himself to an event which Ariane totally does not want him to attend.

The couple argues over time spent together and the party. In typical fashion Vincent leaves the room and nothing is solved until a later segment.

Now we’re at the bachelor party where we get glimpse of how filthy stinking rich these entertainers are in the WWE. Jo Jo is already talking about having babies with JG but doesn’t realize that she totally ruined it with the rabbit routine in the restaurant earlier in the show.

Nikki says something about boners. Attention spanned ruined.

The girls are in swimsuits now. See previous comment.

Nattie is flirting with her gentleman friend several hundred miles away instead of focusing on her party and her finance. Nikki tells Nattie not to respond to these texts and that it’s a form of flirtation. Nattie is oblivious or purposely naïve.

Segment 3: The party continues and JG moves on

We’re witness to the glimmer and glamour of Vegas. There are a lot of pretty people hanging out and having fun. Then there is Jo Jo freaking out over JG talking to another girl.

Nattie is doing some shots as the rest of the group encourages her on. I imagine she will do something drunk and inappropriate shortly. I think it’s time for the Repo Man to show up and rip off the contract extension for this show.

The girls head off to Chippendale’s. I’m going to go grab a Steveweiser. I’ll be back after the nude men are off the screen. I totally do not want to see men in half articles of clothing unless they are wrestling around with each other.

More alcohol and more bad decisions forthcoming. Jo Jo is not 21. Eva Marie does not drink because she is a saint. The girls go on a walk and JG is hanging out with some other chick. Jo Jo is irate!

Segment 4: Drunk partying in Vegas. Surprise pregnancy?

Recap of seeing JG with another chick. JG hops in a cap to go bang some random girl. Jo Jo is done! – even though nothing had officially started. Eva Marie is wearing jean shorts. Then she gets into an elevator while Jo Jo rambles on about some non existent relationship with a professional wrestler always on the road and banging random chicks.

Jo Jo is 0 and 2 in relationships on Total Divas.

The rest of the girls are out partying it up. Brie is dancing like a white girl. We call this Brie mode instead of intoxication. Then Brie shows us her blurry vagina. I think she should probably see a doctor about such a condition.

The party heads back to the hotel room. Nattie is drunkenly slurring the truth we all knew several segments ago. She is infatuated with that dude Jarret from the last episode. Brie, coming down from Brie Mode, decides to have a one on one with Nattie. The two get on a bed covered in rose petals. I’m waiting for a scene from Queen of the King to break out. (Look up this video if you haven’t checked it out yet)

Nattie realizes that it’s just TJ she loves but is just overwhelmed with this getting married business; which is what she was bitching at him for just a few episodes ago when we had the near fist fight at the Justice of the Peace.

Segment 5: Brie ala mode 

Daniel Bryan is a respectable human being and will not appreciate Brie mode. She attempts to sneak back into her room by beating on the hotel room door. We get to see Brie’s vagina once again. She is 2 for 2 on showing her vagina on Total Divas. She decides to handcuff Daniel Bryan to the hotel room bed. And then goes off looking for a 24 hour IHOP.

Now Brie is hungover. She confesses she was in Brie Mode. Daniel Bryan doesn’t care and tells her she can do what she wants even though he doesn’t like it when she is drunk. He doesn’t feel bad for her but he comes off as a pretty cool dude. I would probably date him. (But I have a thing for guys with beards)

For good measure, Daniel Bryan gives Brie a plancha out of nowhere.

Now for the awkward toast with Jo Jo and JG. Nattie gives a touching toast to the rest of the girls about her and TJ’s relationship. Jo Jo and JG are casually placed together at the table. Russell Crowe’s little brother tells Jo Jo that she is so beautiful… but way too young for a guy who picks up random girls in casinos. Standards!

Eva Marie was right.

Segment 6: Vincent gets drunk. 

The Bella Twins are talking in their hotel room when a wild vibrator appears. This only brings up a casual giggle between the girls. I guess John Cena isn’t enough!

The Funkadactyls are brought in at the end in a totally irrelevant segment. Vincent shows up at the party anyway. I guess that is the resolution from earlier. Trinity decides to get the hell out of that room.

It’s the final night of the bachelorette party. Instead of getting really drunk the couples and friends decide to have a really quaint dinner. True friendship blossoms alongside… wait we’re back to orgasms and boners now. Nattie is given a male cake and she performs fellatio on it. I’m surprised this got past the censors. To see how fellatio is really performed check out Chyna in Queen of the Ring.

Vincent gets drunk and makes an ass out of himself in a room full of people doing the same and Ariane gets upset about his actions. I wish she would just break up with him already.

Conclusion: Does the party end or go on forever?

All the girls head to Ghostbar after the dinner. It’s another night of drinking and dancing in Vegas. Nattie confesses her love to TJ. Vincent drinks more. Everyone else drinks more. Ariane thinks that Vincent has drunk too much and hopes he does not get too crazy. He certainly will! He probably would have passed out and had no argument if Ariane didn’t rag him so intensely. Vincent is now going around telling people how drunk he is and how many relationship problems he has with Ariane. Ariane is pissed because Vincent spilt his drink on her new dress. I bet these people won’t be invited to the wedding!

The pair leaves the party. Vincent starts punching the elevator. Vincent tries to convince Ariane he is not drunk by acting really drunk. The rest of the party starts to fade away. The party ends and was a success for Nattie. She is now ready to get married.

Recap: We’re one step closer to the wedding. I haven’t been this excited since Macho Man and Elizabeth tied the knot. Nattie and TJ seem to be getting more serious each week for no particular reason. Jo Jo has lost another romantic entanglement. Ariane and Vincent continue to fight. I doubt they will make it together throughout the show. Eva Marie still looks good in jean shorts. The Bellas continue to drop sexual key words for ratings.

See you next week!